So lesson learned: When I write out a full post I need to make sure I click save and post. Otherwise it will not only not post, but it'll log you out in the background overnight and in-turn you'll lose everything you've written. Here I thought it's been three days since my last post when now it's been a full week. Apologies for that. It's what I get for writing these at 3am.
I could probably re-write the entire post, but it wasn't as deep as I initially thought it was going to be. The short version is that I was dragging my feet with the Disney D&D test sign-ups because I felt I needed to perfect the test campaign, and ultimately that was silly because like YouTube, you're never going to be perfect right out of the gate. You need to just keep moving so you can improve. So that's what I did and that's why I posted the sign-ups the weekend I did.
How about this for a deep dive at 3am instead: Why am I so afraid of success?
Or maybe that's not the right way to phrase it.
Why do I constantly assume that any kind of success is fleeting?
February caught me off guard when I jumped from 400k views to 1.1 million views and gained 4.4k subscribers. It was welcomed, for sure, but the entire time I told myself it was because this one video did really well and it was bound to cool off and I'd go back to the 400k a month of January.
Then March rolled around and we did 800k views and 3.8k subscribers. It dropped as expected, but not nearly as much as I expected. This time I didn't have one single video to point to, so I didn't understand why I was still doing well. Regardless, I still assured myself that it was definitely going to drop again next month.
Now we're nearly halfway into April, and right now my info sheet is saying that I'm on track to do 1.1 million views again and gain 5k subscribers. Even as I write this and even as I pull myself out of the situation and just look at the numbers, I can't help but tell myself "Nah man, those numbers are going to tank in the next few days and you'll be back to 400k. Maybe even less."
There's even a twisted part of my brain that thinks this whole last year was all a fluke and that any day I'll be back to the days of 70k views a month and maybe 150 subscribers if I'm lucky.
None of this prevents me from being happy when the numbers do well, but also I'm unable to shake the feeling that it'll all go away tomorrow. I wonder if part of the reason why is because this rate of growth means that I might actually have a chance of hitting 100,000 subscribers in 2018, and the idea of getting that play button that I've been chasing for the last five years is too much to handle.
I'm not afraid I'll hit the milestone. I'm afraid I'll get really close and then lose it.